What I Have Become
by weneve
Summary: UPDATED! ch. 2 ...A card with a mysterious past....S&S mwahaha! * lemme know what u think:) by the way thanks so much to my supporters :)
1. I Am Who I Am...a Card!

What I Have Become  
  
I am afraid. Afraid of you, afraid of me, afraid of the world that has come to be.   
I am confused, I am alone, I have a heart made of stone.  
I show no emotion to the outside world, I remain in hiding, why should I leave my place, this pain has no chance of subsiding.  
  
I take a look out a crack, which I call my window, I see no one, but I sense my foe.  
She senses me as I devise a plan of action, I keep hiding, I will not let her get me, I will not give her that satisfaction.  
She can sense me, but can she sense my heart ache? If she finds me, she will imprison me, my soul hers to take.  
  
I am going insane, will nothing ease my pain?  
I miss him with everything I am composed of, he will always be the one that I love.  
  
But here I go again, confused without a doubt,  
She is nearing me, I see her, I must leave this place, I must move out.  
  
I glide ever so quietly, to try to escape with my liberty.  
  
I remain free to continue my quest,  
but the pain has returned, I cannot exist without him, and so I must rest.  
  
I hide behind a tree, hoping, praying she will not find me.  
  
"It is only a matter of time, so just fight me and get it over with..."  
  
Easy for her to say, she knows she will reign victorious in the battle today.  
I am not ready to be imprisoned forever to live a life of servitude, I refuse! She is evil, heartless and crude.  
I will never be hers to command, no, I will stay here, here where I stand.  
  
Still there is a kind ring in her voice, but she wants to lock me up, shouldn't I have a say, it should be my choice!  
  
"I do not wish to hurt you, I promise! I know you are searching for answers, perhaps I can provide you with them."  
  
Can I trust her? That girl....she is the one I despise! She wants to capture me within her web of lies.  
Suddenly another joins her at her side, he reminds me of him...long ago, before he died...  
  
"I thought you were going to call me before you went, I thought we were partners! How could you be so stupid, you could have  
fallen into a trap...you dont even realize the danger your in! You can easily be KILLED, especially in the state your in..."  
  
He seems so angry with her, but he only wants to protect her from harm's way,  
I gaze into his soul and I can relate to the pain he feels each day.  
He is afraid much like me, but he must tell her, truth is the key.  
  
I loved him dearly, he sacrificed so much power to save me...  
No one knows how truly special he was not only magically, but romantically.  
I look back on the memories that we share, we could have made a perfect pair.  
If only it had turned out that way, now he will never know how thankful I am to him, I pray for his re-incarnation each day.  
  
I hope one day we will reunite, I only wish it could be tonight.  
  
There, they stare at each other still,...wait why do i care, she is the target, the one I must kill...  
  
"Listen...we have to capture this card, she is a special one.."  
  
"I know...but maybe, maybe she has a reason for hiding, ...maybe..maybe she's living in fear..." the boy looked at her in  
amazement, she had deep sympathy for this inhuman, emotionless ...being? Why? "She tried to destroy you..why can't you understand that.."  
  
"Why can't YOU understand...Syaoran there is something about her, not only do I sense her prescence...I ...I feel her pain...  
I can't...capture her...besides she's long gone..." Syaoran looked at her in confusion.  
  
"I don't get you, you were the one that swore revenge upon her..."  
  
"Look...Syaoran, I just...can't explain this to you...it goes deep..really deep...something you may never understand...  
on some level..." she inhaled slowly, and exhaled softly, " I share ....her pain..."  
  
Syaoran stared at his cherry blossom, she turned on her heel and walked the other way knowing she hid in the opposite direction..  
  
"Sakura, dont let your judgement be clouded, your a card captor no matter what her sob story may be..."  
  
"Your wrong Syaoran...and as a direct descendent of Clow I am surprised you do not see, the pain that lies within me.."  
  
I watch the Mistress leave without a second thought, was her plan to leave me here alone to die and rot?  
No, there was something sincere in her stride, she could have captured me single handedly had she tried...  
Why did she turn away? Perhaps she understood...nevertheless..we shall meet again..someday...  
  
**************************************************  
  
"Sakura I just don't understand how you could let her go, she tried to...she almost...SHE TRIED TO KILL YOU!" he spoke with such fury  
such heart.  
  
"But I'm alive now aren't I?"  
  
"Ya but...she nearly succeded" he replied in a voice so low.  
  
"Well Syaoran, if I didnt know better I'd say you cared for me" she smiled slightly.  
  
"Sakura! Don't even joke about that! I..I...never want you to doubt my feelings for you..."  
  
"Which would be?" Sakura questioned hopeful. Syaoran blushed. Sakura remained intrigued stepping forward..closer as he wrapped his  
arms around her getting closer together in the moonlight shining in from her bedroom window...  
  
"I..." Their faces neared, only inches apart, nearing closer, closer ...even closer bodies almost fused together when...  
  
"Sakura did you seal it?" exclaimed the Guardian of the Seal.  
  
"KERO!!! DONT DO THAT"  
  
"DO what?" Kero cried in his defense knowing how close the gaki came to smootching his mistress.  
  
Sakura sighed while Syaoran kicked himself for not telling her... Even after all these years, so many years of waiting!  
He was 18, she was 17 (nearly 18), he fell in love with her from the moment he saw her, but refused to get involved...  
Now...now he regretted so much wasted time...especially now...  
  
'My dreams are warning me ...I know it...she's in danger...if only you knew Sakura..'  
  
"Yoohoo Syaoran?"  
  
"Uh sorry..."  
  
"So where's the card?" Kero questioned once more.  
  
"I...didn't capture it Kero.."  
  
"She couldn't do it...."  
  
"Sakura...I dont..understand..."  
  
"Listen Kero, it's in a lot of pain..I felt it...I know how it feels."  
  
"And how do you know this pain it feels???"  
  
"Because...because...because..."  
  
"BECAUSE??"  
  
"Because....I HAVE THE SAME PAIN THE SAME HEART ACHE!"  
  
"SAKURA! IT"S A CARD IT DOESNT HAVE FEELINGS! IT"S A STUPID CARD!"  
  
"NO! Your wrong! Kero, your very wrong! It s so much more than a mere card...I can't understand why you can't see that but...it doesnt matter  
I am the Card Mistress and I decide what to do...I would appreciate it if you both would just trust my judgement..."  
  
"DAMMIT SAKURA SHE NEARLY TOOK YOU AWAY FROM ME!"  
  
****************************************************  
I am afraid. Afraid of you, afraid of me, afraid of the world that has come to be.   
I am confused, I am alone, I have a heart made of stone....  
  
This is it, I am a card now, my fate, to exist without him someway...somehow  
  
  
R&R PLZ! Just for the hell of it cause I still have writers block on "Why" so lemme know what you think,  
if a lot of people actually enjoyed this I ll continue with an explanation....and by the way it is suppose to be confusion,  
it's kinda my style lol! Luv ya!  
  
  



	2. I Remember...

Ok I got some reviews (2) R&R PLZ THE CARD IS REVEALED!  
  
  
What I Have Become- Ch.2  
  
She lay on her bed thinking, wondering....remembering....  
  
******************************************flashback*************************************************************  
  
Sakura had been sleeping peacefully, no prophetic dreams, no problems...just her and wonderous dreams until she felt a sudden  
presence. Her eyes shot open and bolted out of her bed. Suddenly she realized the presence was a lot closer than she had anticipated...  
she whirled around on her feet to be met face to face with ruby red eyes. Sakura did not know what to do...she was literally frozen in place.  
She had considered calling her Kero, but he was spending the night at Tomoyo's. She considered calling to her brother and/or  
father, but the presence would appear dissapear, never to return...Sakura seemed a bit uneasy but soon enough she realized,  
she, the Mistress of Clow Cards was not the only one who was uneasy. The ruby red eyes spoke of a story, a story that was obviously  
life altering...a story that hurt her entire self to speak of it, the very thought of it seemed to make her run scared...that story would  
be the key to attaining it's trust. Sakura was soon mesmorized but the ruby red, comforting yet icy stare. The eyes started to drift all around the Mistress,  
everywhere except straight at her...straight into her eyes where she found pity, comfort and perhaps a friend. But, Sakura had a distinct feeling, this  
entity wanted nothing to do with her friendship...such a fact instilled fear...doubt...panic...If Syaoran was there he would never have given such a presence  
such power, the power to controle his every emotion, the power to let his guard down...Syaoran....she thought to herself, wishing he was with her...but the fact of the matter was,  
Syaoran was no where near where she willed him to be...  
  
"Who....are...you??" Sakura asked with a quickering tone.  
The presence laughed meniachly at her tone filled with fear, so much so she could taste it on her tongue...  
  
"Your worst nightmare, Clow Mistress!" it replied with an icy stare.  
Sakura was taken aback by such a comment and prepared her mental state to call upon her wand but she could not, she felt as though she were frozen in place....  
Sakura's feet were practically glued to the ground. Sakura struggled to life her eyes to meet the ruby red ones that were simply not human...  
  
"Why...are..you..doing this...?" Sakura asked in an obvious state of panic.  
"Simply because you, are the Mistress of the Clow...and you don't deserve to be....perish Clow Mistress...and go to hell! While you enter such a hideous place tell my  
love who I once loved, that I hope he burns slowly...for centuries to have just a speck of horror that I, myself have suffered since that fateful day ...he changed my life forever and  
he will never...I WILL NEVER FORGIVE SUCH A HORRIBLE DEED!"   
  
She screamed with such animosity, her voice shrilled in pain...her eyes flickered each time she spoke of her "love".   
Sakura was nevertheless frightened half to death, which probably had been her original intention...to make the Mistress of the Clow suffer,  
just as she had suffered for such a long time...but what is this pain that her heart is consumed with? What is this hatred that consumes her heavy heart?  
  
"Look, you..have been hurt, but the one you love...and that can be painful..."  
"And what might you know about that?"  
"Well...you and I are very similar if you must know...I lost someone I loved years ago, when I was 3 years of age. It hurt knowing she was never coming back...  
It was painful to even fathum. But you know, time heals all wounds...you need to let this pain go before it consumes you whole and there's no returning back to who you once were,  
only remaining with the ...what you have become..."  
  
The spirit seemed to be contemplating the Mistress' words....Sakura could have sworn she heard guilt, pain and anguish being expressed in a jumble of words...until she spoke up, spoke  
to me once more...  
"Who am I Mistress?"  
"I ..do not know...clow card..."  
Suddenly she grew very angry, thrashing about.  
"You have yet to figure out my pain mistress! You cannot capture me because I will not let you...I must not...a life of servitude, to YOU...I'd rather not..."  
Sakura seemed pained at her tone, "YOU?" what did that mean? Was Sakura not worthy in the presence's eyes? Was she not a true Mistress of the cards?  
"Who are you? I ask again because I would like the truth before I perish as you say.."  
"Who am I....Who am I....Who am I? WHO AM I??? I AM WHO I AM- I AM............"  
she exhaled in frustration and pain.  
"..what I have become...that is who I am Card Mistress."   
Sakura felt the hurt in her harsh words. The spirit turned away, averting her gaze.  
"Card Mistress...let me ask you a simple yet direct question..."  
"Go ahead, I'm kinda glued to the floor where else can I go?" she replied with a certain degree of annoyance considering  
she felt she was paralyzed, unable to move, her limbs feeling heavy, harder to breathe by the minute...  
"Have you told him yet?"  
Sakura stares blankly at the card in question.  
"What?" she asks in a confused tone.  
"Have you told him yet...you know...that you...love him?"  
Sakura's jaw dropped to the ground...how did the card know she was in love...Sakura felt angered by such a personal question  
being directed at her, what right did she have to ask such a question?   
"You barge into my home, you practically paralyze me, and you have the audacity to question ME, about my love life?"  
The card just looked at her with what looked like pity in her eyes.  
"I apologize...it was a personal question I haven't the right...however I question you, not to offend you Card Mistress..."  
"Call me Sakura...its shorter" she felt her lips curve into a sudden smirk.  
"Alright..Sakura...I do not wish to offend as I've said, but I would like for you to answer me....but by the sad, lonely look  
in your eyes Sakura...I know my answer...why have you not told him....what are you waiting for? Love waits for no one...  
time is always against you...and before you know it...death will welcome you...which is why I am here, Sakura...Card Mistress...  
You have my friends imprisoned inside a life of servitude, a life of command....I feel their pain, I have come...to set them free, and...to terminate your tirrany...Card Mistress..."  
"Tirrany? You don't seem to understand card...which ever one you may be...they stay with me, they WANT to serve me...I am not their master- mistress...I am their friend...no more, no less...  
I could be a friend to you too card of clow...I could be your friend..."  
The card's eyes burned a bright red.  
"YOU MUST BE STOPPED!"  
Suddenly the moon shed it's light into Sakura's bedroom, the card had finally revealed it's true form from under the darkness...  
Sakura gasped in shock, and turned to look away but it was too late, its power surrounded her ready to destroy it's enemy.  
Sakura let out a shushed cry of pain into the night, this was it for her.  
Suddenly the window flew open with a sudden gust of wind, blowing the card away.  
Once the gust of wind cleared, all went silent until..  
"SAKURA!!!"  
Sakura's eyes flew open, "Syaoran?"  
Syaoran sighed a deep sigh of complete relief, she was alive.  
"Sakura, are you alright? Please...tell me...your alright?" The concern was evident in his beautiful brown eyes, she couldn't believe it, his eyes showed so much emotion,  
worry and concern even...this was a new side to him...a side which she liked very much...  
"Ya, I..m ok Syaoran..."  
Sakura soon realized just where she was...the gust of wind and knocked her down as well, she was on the ground...Syaoran was also on the ground but his face was inconceivably close.  
She could feel his breathing go shallow, the moment hers did. Their eyes just met in an escapable connection.  
"...uh..your sure your...ok Sakura...?"  
Sakura nodded, her eyes never left his, his eyes never left hers.  
"Sakura...I...I need to tell you something..."  
'It's now or never Syaoran, tell her before your nightmares take over...and steal her away forever...no..no i wont let that happen,  
not to her..never to my Sakura...'  
"Syaoran?...you...wanted to say something..."  
"Uh...uhm.." he couldn't conceal his blush which consumed his entire face.  
"Sakura...I think..I mean I know...that..." Syaoran looks down trying to regain his composure, escaping her beautiful, captivating emerald eyes...  
"I mean to say...you must be in pain, I'm probably crushing you...uh sorry...let me help you up..."  
Sakura just looked away nervously. He was going to tell her something more than that...she knew that much...  
She gave him her hand, he took it gently. Suddenly Sakura felt dizzy and nearly fell backwards onto the cold hard floor.  
"Sakura!...here sit down..."  
"No no Im fine really." One moment later, Sakura had fallen into his waiting arms, she had collapsed.  
"Oh Sakura...when will I ever gather up the courage to tell you how I feel..."  
"Syaoran..." he heard her whisper...suddenly she said something inaudible that remotely sounded like "please don't leave me...alone...tonight..."  
  
***************************************************************end of flashback*********************************************************************  
  
Sakura just continued to ly there, her thoughts were now drifting from a card, to Syaoran...when would she ever be able to tell him...  
did he even feel an ounce of what she felt for him? She would never know without telling him...She sighed sadly  
"Syaoran..." her final thoughts were of him until she fell into a deep sleep...  
  
********************************************************************  
  
Meanwhile, Syaoran felt like a typical insomniac, unable to sleep, unable to shut his eyes without feeling the need to open them  
two seconds later. Syaoran then decided to train a bit outside under the beautiful night sky.  
Eventually he lost all concentration and found himself thinking about her, Sakura....She was the number one person in his life.  
In Tomoeda, she was the only one he felt any type of connection to...looking back on distant memories he realized just how much he  
needed her to be with him...to stick by him...to laugh with him...to touch him...to love him....Each attempt at changing the subject  
was in vain...he loved her...if only he knew how she felt...maybe he should be the one to make the first move...  
Suddenly his senses perked up, shooting his head to the midnight sky saying,  
"I sense a Clow Card..."  
His first instinct told him to call Sakura but then he thought not to...she needed her rest...besides why wake such a beautiful angel? He could handle this...  
or could he?  
Suddenly the presence felt very close...in fact...it felt TOO close for comfort...mabye he should have called Sakura...  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Sakura dreamed happily, only dreams of peace and love...she was with the man she loved...Syaoran....until someone...something  
came turning everyone to stone...  
  
"I am afraid! Afraid of you, afraid of me, afraid of the that has come to be. I am confused, I am alone, I have a heart made of stone."  
  
"Clow card! What do you want? Where is Syaoran!?"  
  
"Where else would he be Sakura...in lots of trouble..." she chuckled loudly, making Sakura cringe at the horrid sound.  
  
Suddenly the horrible sounds ended....her eyes fluttered open.  
"What a dream....what a horrible, horrible dream! Syaoran..."   
Sakura was abrupty recalled back to reality, it was near..."I sense a Clow Card!" She gasped in fear, would he dream come true?"  
She decided to go with her intincts...perhaps her dream was a way to call to her...  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
"Clow Card, I am warning you, stay away from Sakura!"  
"Me? Keep MY distance? Please. She wants to capture me...well let me tell you something...she CANNOT capture me! I am no ordinary clow card..."  
She suddenly cringed as she pronounced "Clow Card", this however failed to escape Syaoran.  
"You have something against Clow don't you?"  
She was taken aback by such a question.  
"O you could say that..." anger yet sadness filled her voice...  
Syaoran was stuck in place, he was under a spell that seemed so familiar to him...yet...he did not seem to know enough. Who was this clow card?  
  
"Who are you CLOW CARD?"  
  
Syaoran's face shot up at the sudden voice that sliced open the silence of the night...  
"Sakura...STAY AWAY! SHE LL KILL YOU!"  
  
"Ah yes..Sakura...please come...join your friend..."  
  
Sakura approached with caution. It was obvious Syaoran was paralyzed with the same spell that once took over her body not too long ago.  
He must have looked into her ruby red eyes...it was as though..he...  
Sakura gasped...she knew exactly who this clow card was!  
  
"CLOW CARD YOUR NAME IS MEDUSA!"  
  
end of chapter 2  
  
how was that? R&R!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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